The Recovering Pessimist

Helping pessimists see the bright side of life without losing their "half empty" roots.

Missing #Love


I can usually handle breakups. But this…this was awful.  I was so far removed from myself. My emotional state was physically painful. Heartache sank into my bones. Tears were unrelenting. Blinking generated sharp pains in my eye sockets.

My days went on. Reminders of him were everywhere. His cologne tickled my nose when I opened the closet door. Sleeping in the middle of the bed was strange. I didn’t like this new normal.

I missed him.

I missed #Love.

The Lonely Side of #Love


I worked and went to school full-time. He said he loved my ambition and how hard I worked to accomplish the goals I had set for myself. Relationships require that both parties but in the work, regardless of their schedules. I always made time for him.

When my coursework became challenging, I had to reevaluate my priorities. I told him that I needed to spend more time studying. He said that he understood and continue to be supportive.

That didn’t last long.

If he wasn’t complaining about me ignoring him, he was making soft threats.

I don’t have to put up with this. I deserve better. One day, I’m going to stop answering your calls. 

Blah, blah, blah.

What was humorous about all of this was, when I met him, he was ambitious himself. His ambition was more along the lines of dreaming than actually putting his goals into action. Instead of using my ambition to light a fire under his own ass, he was in the corner being a Bitter Betty.

He wanted all of my attention and he wanted it NOW! Trust me, he wouldn’t be doing any of this if I was already living the life I was working towards. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s still dreaming of ambition. Still lonely and definitely bitter.



Updated December 20, 2016

Ordinary #Love


We’ve been doing this for what feels like forever.

Love had us so bright-eyed in the beginning. So in love it was sickening. Couldn’t be away from one another too long before we missed each other. Technology kept us together even when we were apart.

That bright-eyed stage passed. We still loved each other, but sometimes we would get on each other’s last nth of a nerve. I remember our first big fight. It was so bad that I wanted to leave. Your hugs and kisses reminded me why I was so in love with you.

We’re just two ordinary people in love.

#Love Is On A Break(up)


He wanted a break.

It was a rough conversation. There was no doubt that he didn’t love me. I knew he did. To see someone you love so much go through something and you can’t help them is extremely painful.

I begrudgingly agreed to the break, but it came with conditions.

Don’t want you to wait for me. Live your life. 


First he hits me with asking for a break and before I can digest that morsel, he adds another to my plate. So much to process. Worried, all I could think about was that breaks can easily lead to breakups. But this isn’t about me. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about me.

Life moved on. Communication between the two of us went from daily calls and/or text messages to barely once a week. I think I started dating around month 4 or so of the break(up). Took things slowly, but I enjoyed every minute of the journey. People have a way of knowing when you’re happy. That’s when they pop back up in your life.

He finds out that I’m happily dating. Hates it. Chastises me for wasting no time moving on with my life.

record scratch

Pardon me sir?

You wanted me to move on with my life right? That’s what I’m doing. You can’t tell me to live my life then get mad when I do it. 

Break(up)s tend to remind people of what they have. They don’t want to lose that. However, don’t pop up and expect them to stop their lives because you want them back.

Life moves on. I’m where I wanna be.

He Doesn’t #Love Me


We had an agreement.

No catching of feelings.

All was well for a while, but I was kidding myself. Not only did I violate our agreement, but I had fallen hard. Unsure if he felt the same, I dropped subtle hints.

One drunken night, he finally gave me an answer.

He didn’t feel the same.

Devastation left me confused and heartbroken. So many futile attempts to make sense of the situation. Feeling exposed, I turned to music to help me sort through my emotions.

After several sleepless nights, I realized that no matter how many questions I asked, the answer was going to be the same. He wasn’t going to love me back and I was going to have to deal with that.

#Love Past the Argument


We loved hard.

When we argued, it felt like our mission was to hurt the other. We never stayed mad at each other long, maybe two or three days.

This wasn’t a petty argument.

His words were hurtful. Each syllable felt like rubbing alcohol being rubbed onto an open wound.

I loved him too much to stoop to his level. He needed to know what happens when you hurt someone you love.

His phone calls and text messages  were ignored for for days.

Three weeks passed before I finally decided to listen to his voicemail. Lots of begging and apologizing. On the last voicemail, he says he’s going to let the song speak for him.

The fear of losing that person that you love the most puts everything into perspective. Brings it all back to what really matters in life.

Fall in #Love with Me


I was so reluctant. My last relationship left me broken and skeptical. While I knew that you were special, I needed time to get reacquainted with myself. He understood, promising that he would be patiently waiting.

Yeah, okay.

We occasionally met up for dinner. You had a way of subtly letting me know that falling in love wasn’t a bad thing.

Love isn’t supposed to hurt.

Finally I gave in and I’m forever grateful that I did.

Love #Love


My first serious relationship. We were SO into each other. Perhaps it was young (dumb) love, but I really felt like we could be forever.  One day, he made me this mixtape CD. While there were a lot of songs that musically spoke for him, one song in particular stood out.

When I first heard this song, I was stunned. I knew he cared about me, but I had no idea his feelings were so strong. Actually, I don’t think either of us knew this relationship was going to get this deep. You date someone, knowing that it probably won’t last, then find yourself in love.

It happens.

Don’t worry about the end.

Love #Love.

Let Me #Love You


He confided in me.

Things weren’t going well. She didn’t appreciate the little things he did for her. Bouquets of flowers being randomly delivered to her job and the hair/nail appointments paid in advance. All he wanted was a simple “thank you”. Not too much to ask.

It never happened.

Feeling unappreciated, the flower deliveries started to wane. There was pain in his eyes when he realized he was no longer in love with her. It killed me to see such a good man go through this. It took everything in me not to grab him by the arms and yell, “I’m right here! I’ll never take you for granted. Let me love you.”

Those words were never spoken aloud. I spent years wondering what could have been. What if he gave me that chance to love him the way he deserved.

What if?


Friends Surrender to #Love


Imagine being friends with someone for years. The two of you are extremely close. Those around you swear that there’s more to the friendship because you both are so in tune with one another.

The lines become blurred. You don’t see each other the same way anymore. Can’t really pinpoint when and why this is happening but you know something is pulling you both in.

It is in this moment that you realize that you’ve fallen in love.

So many thoughts.

What if he/she doesn’t feel the same way? But what if he/she feels the same? Where do we go from here? Can we go back to being just friends? Is it worth possibly losing a friend if this doesn’t work out?

Despite the uncertainty, your conscious wants you to do one thing: Surrender.



#Love: A Musical Retrospective


When I decided to do a writing challenge for February, I didn’t want to do the expected. February is synonymous with love. Like other retail holidays, stores are abundant with the red and pink packaging of goods. The card aisle  is abundant with “I love you” decorated in glittery hearts.

I know I’m not in the minority when I say that all of this is sickening.

Love isn’t all happiness and good times. Yes, that’s great but it’s so much more.  It’s dark. It’s painfully regretful. It’s an open wound. This is what I wanted to focus on. The beautifully dark aspect of love. Once I decided on that, I felt the need to deliver the message in a unique way.

This is where music comes into play.

For the month of February, all posts  (with the exception of Wisdom Wednesdays), will consist of memories from my romantic life and a corresponding love song.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Love: A Musical Retrospective. Enjoy!

Everyone Isn’t Going to be Your Cup o’ Tea


The inspiration for this post is two-fold. First, a good friend of mine has a crush on this guy. Everyone  in our social circle got the memo with the exception of the guy in question. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. He could really be oblivious to how she feels about him (which I low key doubt) or he could be awkward when it comes to women (which is most likely the case).

Weeks of getting him to open up went by.  Progress would be made, but she couldn’t penetrate that wall he installed. At this point, she’s annoyed and on the cusp of being over it.  Honestly, I can’t blame her. At some point you get tired of putting forth all this effort for little to nothing in return.

Remember when I said that this post was two-fold? Here’s the second part.

While browsing through my YouTube subscriptions, I ran across the below video from Qaadir Howard. Everyone isn’t going to be your cup o’ tea, no matter how awesome your personality may be…and that’s perfectly fine.  Check out the video and leave a reply with your thoughts.

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