The Recovering Pessimist

Helping pessimists see the bright side of life without losing their "half empty" roots.

Obligated #Love

Feb
25

There’s no reason to stay in a relationship when the love has waned. The decision to stay becomes a matter of obligation and obligation can easily manifest into resentment.

I remember the moment when my obligation to him became resentment. I blamed him for my unhappiness, yet my attempts to regain my happiness failed. I’d leave, but obligation had me coming back to the same old drama.

It took a couple attempts but I finally freed myself.

Terminating #Love

Feb
24

We were friends that spent years denying the underlying feelings between the two of us. Finally, after much consideration, we decided to go for it.

Embarking on this unfamiliar journey with him riddled me with anxiety. In theory,  things could go splendidly and we’d live happily ever after. On the other hand, reality reminds me that there’s a 50% chance that we could crash and burn. Not to mention that once the relationship ended, the friendship could very well end too.

Reality won.

Our relationship endured some really tough times. Over time, I began to see him more as my friend than my lover. I couldn’t suppress how I felt about him any longer. He needed to know.

We’re better as friends than lovers.

He fought so hard for the relationship. Promised that we could make this work. It was too late, my heart had already checked out. In the end, the relationship doesn’t matter if the friendship suffers.

Can’t Be Friends With #Love

Feb
21

How can you expect me to be friends with you when I’m still in love with you?

I need to distance myself from you, including your family and friends. This is going to hurt us both but please understand that this has to happen.

There’s no doubt that I’ll always love you. I can’t just be your friend.

 

Missing #Love

Feb
20

I can usually handle breakups. But this…this was awful.  I was so far removed from myself. My emotional state was physically painful. Heartache sank into my bones. Tears were unrelenting. Blinking generated sharp pains in my eye sockets.

My days went on. Reminders of him were everywhere. His cologne tickled my nose when I opened the closet door. Sleeping in the middle of the bed was strange. I didn’t like this new normal.

I missed him.

I missed #Love.

The Lonely Side of #Love

Feb
18

I worked and went to school full-time. He said he loved my ambition and how hard I worked to accomplish the goals I had set for myself. Relationships require that both parties but in the work, regardless of their schedules. I always made time for him.

When my coursework became challenging, I had to reevaluate my priorities. I told him that I needed to spend more time studying. He said that he understood and continue to be supportive.

That didn’t last long.

If he wasn’t complaining about me ignoring him, he was making soft threats.

I don’t have to put up with this. I deserve better. One day, I’m going to stop answering your calls. 

Blah, blah, blah.

What was humorous about all of this was, when I met him, he was ambitious himself. His ambition was more along the lines of dreaming than actually putting his goals into action. Instead of using my ambition to light a fire under his own ass, he was in the corner being a Bitter Betty.

He wanted all of my attention and he wanted it NOW! Trust me, he wouldn’t be doing any of this if I was already living the life I was working towards. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s still dreaming of ambition. Still lonely and definitely bitter.

 

 

Updated December 20, 2016

Ordinary #Love

Feb
17

We’ve been doing this for what feels like forever.

Love had us so bright-eyed in the beginning. So in love it was sickening. Couldn’t be away from one another too long before we missed each other. Technology kept us together even when we were apart.

That bright-eyed stage passed. We still loved each other, but sometimes we would get on each other’s last nth of a nerve. I remember our first big fight. It was so bad that I wanted to leave. Your hugs and kisses reminded me why I was so in love with you.

We’re just two ordinary people in love.

#Love Is On A Break(up)

Feb
13

He wanted a break.

It was a rough conversation. There was no doubt that he didn’t love me. I knew he did. To see someone you love so much go through something and you can’t help them is extremely painful.

I begrudgingly agreed to the break, but it came with conditions.

Don’t want you to wait for me. Live your life. 

Whoa!

First he hits me with asking for a break and before I can digest that morsel, he adds another to my plate. So much to process. Worried, all I could think about was that breaks can easily lead to breakups. But this isn’t about me. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about me.

Life moved on. Communication between the two of us went from daily calls and/or text messages to barely once a week. I think I started dating around month 4 or so of the break(up). Took things slowly, but I enjoyed every minute of the journey. People have a way of knowing when you’re happy. That’s when they pop back up in your life.

He finds out that I’m happily dating. Hates it. Chastises me for wasting no time moving on with my life.

record scratch

Pardon me sir?

You wanted me to move on with my life right? That’s what I’m doing. You can’t tell me to live my life then get mad when I do it. 

Break(up)s tend to remind people of what they have. They don’t want to lose that. However, don’t pop up and expect them to stop their lives because you want them back.

Life moves on. I’m where I wanna be.

He Doesn’t #Love Me

Feb
11

We had an agreement.

No catching of feelings.

All was well for a while, but I was kidding myself. Not only did I violate our agreement, but I had fallen hard. Unsure if he felt the same, I dropped subtle hints.

One drunken night, he finally gave me an answer.

He didn’t feel the same.

Devastation left me confused and heartbroken. So many futile attempts to make sense of the situation. Feeling exposed, I turned to music to help me sort through my emotions.

After several sleepless nights, I realized that no matter how many questions I asked, the answer was going to be the same. He wasn’t going to love me back and I was going to have to deal with that.

#Love Past the Argument

Feb
10

We loved hard.

When we argued, it felt like our mission was to hurt the other. We never stayed mad at each other long, maybe two or three days.

This wasn’t a petty argument.

His words were hurtful. Each syllable felt like rubbing alcohol being rubbed onto an open wound.

I loved him too much to stoop to his level. He needed to know what happens when you hurt someone you love.

His phone calls and text messages  were ignored for for days.

Three weeks passed before I finally decided to listen to his voicemail. Lots of begging and apologizing. On the last voicemail, he says he’s going to let the song speak for him.

The fear of losing that person that you love the most puts everything into perspective. Brings it all back to what really matters in life.

Fall in #Love with Me

Feb
07

I was so reluctant. My last relationship left me broken and skeptical. While I knew that you were special, I needed time to get reacquainted with myself. He understood, promising that he would be patiently waiting.

Yeah, okay.

We occasionally met up for dinner. You had a way of subtly letting me know that falling in love wasn’t a bad thing.

Love isn’t supposed to hurt.

Finally I gave in and I’m forever grateful that I did.

%d bloggers like this: