One of my guilty pleasures is watching “90 Day Fiance” on TLC“. It’s a show about men and women in the U.S. who go through the process of obtaining a K-1 Visa, which gives them 90 days to marry their boyfriends/girlfriends who live overseas. Some of the couples are genuine, while others are marrying for reasons other than love. Which reminds of this quote:
[bctt tweet=”Love is a beautiful delusion, regardless of where you live in the world.” username=”MsWalton”]
The participants on “90 Day Fiance” have the same issues as those of us who are stateside. These issues are the inspiration for this blog post. I want to discuss some of the issues that stuck out to me below. Enjoy!
Respect their culture
If you’re in a relationship with someone from another cultural background, take the initiative to learn about their culture. If you want to get to know him/her, learning their culture is a part of that. The internet is full of information. Use it and prosper.
A lie is a lie is a LIE
If you catch him/her in a lie, question it. Don’t twist their words to make yourself feel better. Don’t make excuses for them. And while you may want to know the truth, know this:
[bctt tweet=”Once someone lies to you, everything they tell you will feel like a lie, including the truth itself.” username=”MsWalton”]
If you find yourself wondering if what they’re telling you is the truth, what’s the point in continuing the relationship?
If everyone else can see it, perhaps you need to see it too
This might be hard to believe, but everyone isn’t posted up in the corner rooting for you to fail. There are people who not only care about you, but they also want the best for you. Sometimes, what they want for you may not be what you want to hear. Past experiences have taught me to listen when these people speak.
And they say you can’t learn anything from reality television…
Until next time,
I appreciate Fall for so many reasons (see here and here). It’s a reprieve from the outrageous heat of the Summer. I get to wrap this body in layers of warmth and eat all the soup/stew/chili recipes I have saved on Pinterest. However, it’s also the time of year where people seek potential companions to snuggle up with. Within the pool of potential companions are strays.
What is a stray?
A stray is a man or woman who has nothing but seeks someone who has what they don’t have. They provide little to nothing in return.
I took in a stray once. He had a full-time job, lived with his brother, and “circumstances” prevented him from owning a vehicle (feel free to read between the lines there). Did I mention that he had a set of twins plus another child that were only months apart in age (yes, you read that right)?
That’s a lot, but it wasn’t enough for me to walk away. Keep reading.
In the beginning, I didn’t mind doing the driving. I would pick him up from work and take him to either his brother’s place or mine.
[bctt tweet=”When the newness of love wears off, you see people and things for who and what they truly are.” username=”MsWalton”]
In his case, it was his financial situation that tipped the scales for me. He tended to spend his money on wants, not needs. This particular evening I picked him up from work. He got in the car and didn’t say much most of the ride. After some prodding, he tells me that he lost his part of the rent money on a game he gambled on.
I was livid for all the reasons. He then said that when he told his brother about the loss, his brother put him out. There’s this awkward silence in the car, that’s broken when he asked me if he could stay with me until he got himself together.
I told him I would think about it. I dropped him off at his mother’s and went home. Realizing that his situation was quickly becoming MY situation, I packed up the little belongings he had at my apartment and took them to his mother’s house later that night. I dropped that duffel bag on her front step with a note telling him that I didn’t want to continue our relationship and that he didn’t need to contact me…ever. That was almost a decade ago and so far, I haven’t heard from him.
I’m sharing this moment of my life because I want you to pay attention. Allow yourself to see what’s being presented to you in that moment and act accordingly. Falling for potential can get you wrapped up in some bullsh!t, trust me.
Until next time,
I’m going to keep this one short and sweet.
The past four weeks have been an interesting journey. Writing these letters is incredibly therapeutic. I’ve let go of my obsession with forever, made amends with my past, and listened to my elders. You know, I just realized that I’ve done more self-reflection in 4 weeks than I’ve done in 4 years. I’m proud of myself.
pats self on back
[bctt tweet=”This self-reflection session reminded me that I cannot allow the past to prevent me from experiencing love in my future. “]
It feels soooo gooood to heal old wounds. My spirit feels a little lighter than it did. My heart is definitely more open than it was. I am a work in progress. Thank you #Love for being so patient with me.
Until next time,
When it comes to love, I’ve had to retrain myself, if that makes sense. The ice fortress I built years ago to protect myself from heartache is now doing more harm than good. I’m so worried about getting my feelings hurt that I end up missing out on potential mates.
Time to switch this up.
[bctt tweet=”Part of working my way back to love involves melting the icy fortress that’s protected me for years.”]
I’m more aware of my feelings and my actions. I refuse to hold the actions of the past against future potential. It’s not fair to them nor is it fair to me. I carry the lessons from my elders, I’ve made amends with the past, and I’m I see things for what they are instead of what they could be.
When you know better, you do better right?
Until next time,
My elders always say that you’re doomed to repeat the mistakes of your past if you don’t learn from them.
I made friends with people who only befriended me for what I could do for them.
I dated guys who wanted a body to lay with, not a partner to grow with.
I didn’t correct my friends the moment I realized they were using me. Nor did I drop those guys when I realized they didn’t want what I wanted. Because I didn’t do anything to make things better, the cycle repeated itself until I finally got fed up.
[bctt tweet=”You teach people how you want them to treat you.”]
That’s one of the top 10 life lessons I’ve learned. I want to thank my elders for all that you’ve taught me.
Until next time,
I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection since I’ve entered my 30s. This journey isn’t easy by no means, but it’s necessary. Writing in my journal has helped me work through a lot of my issues. I’ve apologized to a lot of people in those pages, but I have one more apology to make.
[bctt tweet=”#Love, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for blaming you for my mistakes. I’m so sorry for taking advantage of you. I’ve learned my lessons. Will you accept my apology? “]
I’m in a good place now and I feel that if you entered my life at this point, I’d welcome you with open arms. You gotta admit, we do work well together.
Until next time,
I was with my first love from the ages of about 19 to 21-22ish. A mutual friend introduced us and the attraction between us was undeniable. School kept us 100+ miles apart, but technology kept us in touch.
We had met each other’s parents and close friends. I couldn’t go anywhere by myself without someone asking about him. We talked about our future together, which involved marriage and possibly children.
I was in love and it felt warm and tingly. I loved being affectionate towards him in public. Oh, and we were totally that couple that sat on the same side of the booth at restaurants. There were times where we finished each other’s sentences. Whew, I was in deep!
*insert heavy sigh here*
When you get comfortable with the person you’re dating, the real you begins to show. There were things about him that I didn’t like and I’m sure he felt the same way. We’re all flawed and besides, we loved each other and that’s what matters right?
Yeah…not so much.
Over time, the warm and tingly feeling went away. We argued. Looking back on it, my jealousy started a lot of the arguments. Cracks were forming in our relationship. We weren’t the happy couple that we were in the beginning. I was aware of that. What I didn’t realize was that he had emotionally checked out and checked in elsewhere.
I had dreams for us. He was my ONE, my heart, my love. Correction. I thought he was my ONE. I don’t regret the relationship because I was introduced to heartbreak and taught a very valuable lesson:
Forever isn’t guaranteed.
Until next time,
I’ve been brainstorming ideas for February’s theme. Last year, I wrote a series entitled #Love: A Musical Retrospective. This year, I didn’t want to do something as grand, but I wanted it to be just as personal.
So, I decided to write “Dear #Love” Letters. It’s comprised of five letters from myself to #Love covering a range of topics based on personal experience. It’s my way of healing old wounds and opening myself up to experiences that I have avoided.
Allow me to set the scene. You’re out and about when s someone catches your eye. Nerves are brushed aside as the two of you have a brief conversation. Phone numbers (and possibly social media handles) are exchanged. Hours are spent texting, calling, emailing, and/or posting social media updates. You really, really like this person.
In theory, this sounds great. Seriously, who doesn’t want to find that person that tickles your fancy? I honestly can’t think of anyone that doesn’t. However, like some theories, there’s a problem with the execution. In this case, said problem began weeks ago.
The person that you’re attracted to is working towards accomplishing something (entrepreneur, college graduate, etc). But you don’t see them for the person they are now. Instead, you’re attracted to the person that they’re trying to become.
I’ve seen this happen too many times. People will get with folks for the end goal, whatever that may be. They’ll stay around provided that the person of interest becomes the person their working towards. In the even that said person of interest doesn’t become that person, suddenly he/she isn’t as attractive as they once were.
We’re all works in progress, every last one of us, including you. Solely seeing someone for their potential won’t end well, I promise you.
Updated March 6, 2015
When you truly love someone, you love ALL of them, flaws included.
Under no circumstances do you get to take all of the good characteristics of an individual and leave the flaws behind. Nor do you love someone and try to mold them into the person you want them to be. That’s not how love works. You are to love that person as they are now, not what they could be over time.
Makes sense right?
Instead of searching for something that doesn’t exist, it would make more sense to look for someone that’s suitable for you. A person who will love and accept all of you, just as you would love and accept all of them. Both of you should bring out the best in one another while challenging each other to be the best version of themselves.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how love works.
For the last couple of days, I’ve had this clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air stuck in my head:
I have no idea why I’ve been singing that song, however, singing that song made something click. People have these moments all the time. You meet someone that looks and/or acts one way. You invest feelings and time with this person and see a possible relationship/friendship developing.
Cue the okey doke.
What you initially thought about that person starts to blur. Perhaps the physical thing(s) that drew you in was only temporary. That car may have been a rental or that big booty was a pair of butt pads. Or the behaviors that you thought were so redeeming were indeed a lie. Weekly volunteer work at the homeless shelter was not voluntary. In fact, it was part of their probation.
When the truth is revealed about the basement acquaintance, I’m sure you’ll be pissed. However, you can always watch the clip above and laugh the anger away.
“I’m stuck in a basement, sitting on a tricycle…”